Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
