My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Randomize
