My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
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Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
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Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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