he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
