She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
