I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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