Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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