can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
