it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
