I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
