but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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