dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
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Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
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