12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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