I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Is Oprah even human
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
