i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
My ass is underappreciated
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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