Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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