I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
