if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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