I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
