I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
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The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
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i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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