Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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