I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
