Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
