at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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