How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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