i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
