just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
