He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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