good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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