guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
