When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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