I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
