woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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