so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
