She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
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