Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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