Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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