I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
