i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Dicks are not precious.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
