it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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