It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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