hotel room ftw
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
