I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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