did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Princesses don't give blow jobs
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
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