the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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