woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Drake has all the answers
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
