If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
The Olympian is in my bed
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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