Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
