How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
