And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
