I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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