Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
