every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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