My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
