If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
